“Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?”

“He gets taller.”

“Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else’s cash.”

– P.G. Wodehouse

“When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.  When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.”

“A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road.  Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road.  The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.

One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride.  A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.

Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but…then he remembered his passenger.  He swerved back to the center, but he heard a “whump” and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.

He turned to the priest and said, ‘Father, I’m sure that I missed that lawyer!’

And the priest replied, ‘That’s OK, my son, I got him with the door.”

“A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.  As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side.  The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.  His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.  ‘I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,’ he said.  ‘You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.’

‘How can you say such a thing?’ asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, ‘Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.’

‘My God!’ screamed the lawyer. ‘Where’s my Rolex?’”

“In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track.

Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute.  He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it.

The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

‘Congratulations,’ the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over.  ‘You did superbly under cross-examination.’

‘Thanks,’ he said, ‘but their attorney sure had me worried.’

‘Why’s that?’ the lawyer asked.

‘I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!’

This Is Chris Rock – How Not To Get Your Ass Kicked by the Police